The Inner Work of Love

What is the Inner Work of Love? Well, it is the title of my book, The Inner Work of Love: 10 Understandings for Lasting Relationships.

It came to me as a download from the Universe. After being a general life coach for about five years, I decided to niche into marriage coaching because I felt strongly that people needed help in this area. With all of my personal development and yoga teaching and my almost 40 years of marriage, I thought I might have something to add to the conversation. So once I made the decision and started rebranding myself, I asked myself, "what do I actually know about marriage and relationships?"

When I asked myself the question, I started to write down a list of things that came to mind that were what I called Understandings. My list was about 20 things even though over all the decades of my marriage there have probably been hundreds of learning points and understandings along the way. So I narrowed those 20 things into 10 ideas that I thought could be helpful in navigating relationships. And what I found is that people have really been responding to this book in the most positive way. One Understanding can change the trajectory of your relationship. So I thought I would use this space to give you the outline of the book with a few thoughts from each of the 10 chapters and maybe it will spark a new idea that will enrich your marriage.

First I want to say that this is a broad view of relationship understandings and doesn't fix any one specific thing like Attachment issues for example. If we had certain understandings about the way humans work, we might not need all the attachment theory information. Like, if you are a nice person, people will respond one way. If you are ornery, they will respond another way. I'm not trying to be simplistic, I just want you to have an idea of what I mean by understandings. Understanding something helps us make minute by minute decisions.

This is the published book, The Inner Work of Love

Chapter 1 is titled, Healthy You, Healthy Us ... This chapter illustrates that when two healthy, fairly independent people come together with like values, they have a higher chance of creating a long-term successful marriage. Healthy usually means that the family of origin was relatively healthy - even if there was divorce or discord and the partners (or children at that time) felt safe, secure, and loved. They were most likely able to express themselves and even if they weren't, they found ways to adapt.

Our innate intelligence tells us a lot, so even when our parents get it wrong or are off the mark, we can usually figure it out. It's much easier to navigate life when both people are healthy, but also self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and willing to be influenced. It is an advantage when you are educated and are a fairly high-functioning individual on your own or coupled with another person.

In Chapter 2 I talk about the power of thought and creation. While we can't control what others do and say or even whether they have legitimate authoritarian control over us, we can totally have control over our own minds. Victor Frankle proved this after surviving the Nazi concentration camps. He wrote about this in his book, Man's Search for Meaning. Here are a few of his famous quotes:

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance, to choose one's own way".

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves".

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response".

This chapter illustrates that our thoughts have power, and we have the ability to witness those thoughts, take them to inquiry, and choose better thoughts. Sometimes that is hard to see on your own, so when someone tells you this or writes it in a book, you may start to see your own thought patterns and how they have actually created your reality. We can literally create our partners and relationships through our own thoughts. If you haven't tried this yet, I recommend you give it a shot. I do not mean to manipulate. I mean to think beautiful, positive things about your partner and see what happens.

Chapter 3 is about Identiy and Inner Knowing. I have taught yoga for over 20 years and one of the main teachings is that your purpose is to discover yourself. The highest form of expression you can experience is to work on discovering who you are in relation to the universe in contrast to who you have been told you are. Self-study is the key. Sure, we can and should accept God or the Universe or Source to be the overall reality and source of wisdom, but how do we fit into that? It is our job to find out. I actually resisted this for years. I though I was supposed to do whatever the Bible said. I now know the Bible is a guide and part of the source of wisdom; and it does say that I am loved by God. But it doesn't address my personality, soul, and who I am at my core. There is more to the story.

Chapter 4 addresses how environment shapes us. There is no doubt that our family of origin, culture, educational system, and society form us to a certain extent, and I would argue to a great extent. We need to understand this to allow us to come back to who we are at our core. Recognizing our environment gives us context, and yet, it does not define us.

Chapter 5 is about Emotional Attachment and capacity. There are parts of us that need certain emotional support and we don't always get that in a marital relationship. We have to dig a little to see how we are wired to respond in certain ways. As humans, we typically have the capacity to grow and change, but sometimes our window of tolerance is small and we need to work on expanding our capacity to hold our emotions. This is often done through somatic work.

Then there are the ways we sabotage love. This is Chapter 6. Good God, if we only knew how damaging our thoughts, words, and actions are in so many cases. Criticizing, blaming, emotionally withdrawing, holding grudges, keeping score, calling names, using profanity in our language, being controlling, withholding affection, overfunctioning/caretaking, these are some of the ways in which we ruin an otherwise fun relationship.

In Chapter 7 I wrote about Conscious Relationship Habits - a way in which we can change our narrative around all things relationship. I also talk about Core Habits of Conscious Couples...something that can really help you be resilient in the face of inevitable challenges. There is a deep longing to be seen and heard in our relationships and I cover this in Chapter 8.

I talk about having emotional needs, understanding our needs, and expressing our needs.

Chapter Nine is about staying grounded in the inner work. The inner work is about shutting the outside world out and focusing on your thoughts, your feelings, your wants and desires, your life story, and why you are here. It is about self-study and learning about yourself, and loving yourself as God loves you. Many of us find that hard to do, but it truly makes a difference when you understand who you are. This chapter also addresses resilience and leadership in marriage - something most people don't think about on a daily basis.

Living the Practice of Love is the title of Chapter 10 and it reminds us that love is not a feeling or something we do but someone we are. Being human is tough, but when you are anchored in love, true identity, purpose, and direction, you can really find your way in this world and be supremely happy.

Each chapter offers reflection questions at the end so it also acts as kind of a mini-workbook. I'm proud of this book for a few reasons. One is that I know it has helped readers already.

I wrote it at the age of 67, and blew my family and friends away by getting it done. I never talked about writing a book. I just did it. I didn't think it was something I would ever create. But when you get a nudge from the universe, you really want to listen, because you could change a life, or a marriage, both of which I am very interested in doing. If you want to get a copy of the Inner Work of Love, it is available on Amazon.

I also link to it on my website at lisaknellercoaching.com. If you want to be a leader in your marriage or your relationship, and you don't know where to start, reach out on my website for a Discovery Call. This is where we have a conversation about where you are in your relationship and where you'd like to be. If there is a way we can fill in the gap and create the marriage of your dreams, we will figure it out together. It may happen in the Discovery Call.

If you are ready for change in your marriage, go visit my site, press on the Discovery Call button, and schedule some time with me. I promise you will feel safe, and there is no pressure or obligation to work with me. In the meantime, I send my love and encouragement for bringing mastery to your marriage for greater love, joy, and happiness.