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How to Solve Solvable Problems

 

Episode #16

Solve Your Solvable Problems - Please listen, rate, and share!

Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work – Principle #5

Every couple has conflict — but not all conflict is created equal.

Some challenges in marriage stem from deep differences in values, personality, or life dreams. Those can take time, patience, and understanding to navigate. But many everyday problems in marriage are solvable — if we know how to approach them with calm, curiosity, and intentional communication.

In this episode of Midlife Marriage Mastery, Lisa Kneller explores Dr. John Gottman’s fifth principle for making marriage work: Solve Your Solvable Problems, and how learning to handle everyday conflict skillfully doesn’t just resolve tension — it strengthens connection.

Lisa shares insights from Gottman’s research alongside nearly 40 years of lived marriage experience, reminding us that strong marriages aren’t perfect — they’re built on a solid emotional foundation and the willingness to grow.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

  • Why not all marital conflict is permanent

  • The difference between solvable and perpetual problems

  • The biggest mistake couples make when approaching conflict

  • Why how a conversation starts predicts how it will end

  • A practical, research-backed process for solving everyday problems together

What Makes a Problem “Solvable”?

According to Gottman’s research, about two-thirds of marital conflict is perpetual, tied to deeper personality traits, values, or long-held dreams.

But one-third of conflict is solvable, including things like:

  • Household chores and responsibilities

  • Schedules and time management

  • Social plans

  • Parenting dynamics with adult children

  • Budgeting decisions

  • And yes… the thermostat

These issues are logistical, not character flaws. When we treat solvable problems like moral failures, unnecessary emotional damage occurs.

The Biggest Mistake Couples Make

Most couples jump straight into persuasion instead of understanding.

They argue to win, not to connect.
They speak to convince, not to learn.

Gottman discovered that the start-up of a conversation — its tone, timing, and emotional temperature — is the strongest predictor of how it will end.

Gottman’s 5-Step Process for Solving Solvable Problems

1️⃣ Soften Your Start-Up

Criticism triggers defensiveness. A gentle opening invites collaboration.

Instead of:
“You never help around here!”

Try:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed with housework lately. Could we talk about sharing chores differently?”

Tone communicates intent.

2️⃣ Learn to Self-Soothe Before Reacting

When emotions spike, thinking shuts down.

Take a break — at least 20 minutes — and return calmer. A pause is not abandonment when you clearly state your intention to come back.

Sometimes a simple “I need a little time” changes everything.

3️⃣ Validate Each Other’s Perspective

Validation isn’t agreement — it’s empathy.

It can sound like:

  • “I get why that was upsetting for you.”

  • “I can see your point of view.”

  • “Thank you for sharing that.”

Validation calms the nervous system and sends a powerful message: You matter to me.

4️⃣ Compromise with Goodwill

Compromise isn’t losing — it’s preserving connection.

Ask:

  • “What part of this matters most to you?”

  • “Where can I be flexible?”

  • “What feels non-negotiable?”

Progress happens when both partners feel heard.

5️⃣ Make Repair Attempts Early and Often

A repair attempt is anything that lowers tension and restores connection:

  • “I’m sorry — let me start over.”

  • “Can we pause and take a breath?”

  • “I love you — we’re on the same team.”

  • A smile, a sigh, or a gentle touch

Research shows it’s not the conflict that predicts success — it’s the repair.

A Relatable Example

When a partner leaves dishes in the sink (again), irritation can escalate quickly.

A harsh start-up attacks and inflames.
A softened approach invites partnership.

Small wording shifts create big emotional changes — and one partner can lead that shift.

Episode Recap

Today we explored how to approach solvable problems with empathy and skill. We learned that:

  • Not all problems are permanent

  • How you start matters

  • Validation calms the nervous system

  • Repair attempts protect connection

  • Compromise isn’t weakness — it’s wisdom

When you solve small problems well, you build a foundation strong enough to hold bigger ones with compassion.

This Week’s Practice

Choose one small solvable issue and practice a soft start-up.
Notice what changes when your tone invites collaboration instead of defensiveness.

Reflection Questions

Take time to journal or reflect on these:

  1. How do I usually begin difficult conversations — gently or critically?

  2. What sensations do I notice in my body when I feel defensive or overwhelmed?

  3. What solvable problem keeps coming up between us?

  4. What would a soft start-up sound like for that issue?

  5. How might I practice validation this week, even when I disagree?

Resources & Support

Coming Up Next

Principle #6: Overcoming Gridlock
How to work with deep, recurring conflict without losing connection or peace.

Until next time, I send my love and encouragement for creating a marriage and relationship that brings you joy, comfort, and peace.
Thank you for listening, and have a beautiful day.

Don’t forget to listen, rate, and share! 💛