About Contact Blog Services Podcast

Let Your Partner Influence You

 Episode #15

Let Your Partner Influence You - Please listen, rate, and share! 

Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work – Principle #4

Do you ever catch yourself thinking, “If my partner would just listen, everything would be fine”?

Most of us do.
But love isn’t a power struggle — it’s a partnership.

In this episode of Midlife Marriage Mastery, Lisa Kneller explores John Gottman’s fourth principle for making marriage work: Let Your Partner Influence You, and why allowing influence doesn’t make you weaker — it makes your marriage stronger.

Gottman’s research shows that the happiest, most resilient marriages are built on mutual influence, where both partners feel heard, respected, and included in decisions large and small.

A Quick Recap of the First Three Principles

Before diving into influence, Lisa briefly revisits the emotional foundation of a strong marriage:

Principle #1: Enhance Your Love Maps
Truly knowing your partner’s inner world — their stresses, dreams, fears, and joys — and continuing to update that understanding over time.

Principle #2: Nurture Fondness and Admiration
Focusing on what’s right instead of what’s wrong, and expressing appreciation and respect to protect your marriage from criticism and contempt.

Principle #3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Responding to everyday bids for connection with presence rather than distraction, strengthening your bond in small, meaningful moments.

Together, these principles create emotional safety, appreciation, and daily connection — the groundwork that makes mutual influence possible.

What It Really Means to Let Your Partner Influence You

Letting your partner influence you (and allowing yourself to be influenced in return) is about moving from control to collaboration.

It’s shifting from:

  • “My way or the highway”
    to

  • “How do we move forward together?”

In Gottman’s research, marriages thrive when both partners feel their voice matters. Decisions are made together, power is shared, and respect flows both ways.

Letting your partner influence you does not mean:

  • Agreeing with everything

  • Abandoning your own needs

  • Losing your autonomy

It means staying open, listening, and making space for your partner’s perspective.

Everyday Examples of Influence (and Resistance)

Lisa walks through two real-life scenarios to illustrate how influence shows up in daily marriage dynamics:

  • When one partner expresses a desire for more connection and the other shuts it down with practicality or defensiveness

  • When one partner longs for social connection and the other responds with a flat refusal

In both cases, the difference isn’t the final decision — it’s whether the door stays open.

Influence sounds like:

  • “I hear what you want.”

  • “Your needs matter.”

  • “Let’s find something that works for both of us.”

Resistance sounds like:

  • “That doesn’t work for me, end of discussion.”

Why Influence Can Be Hard in Midlife

By midlife, couples have well-established habits around:

  • Money

  • Time

  • Parenting

  • Decision-making

  • Roles and responsibilities

Sometimes one partner takes charge “because it’s easier,” while the other slowly withdraws. Over time, this creates resentment, not relief.

While independence is often celebrated, marriage thrives on interdependence — the strength to move forward together.

How to Practice Letting Influence In

Lisa offers five practical ways to begin sharing power more intentionally:

  1. Ask before assuming.
    “What do you think?” or “How do you feel about this?”

  2. Replace control with curiosity.
    Ask questions instead of convincing.

  3. Look for the “we.”
    Shift language from “I need you to…” to “How can we…”

  4. Respect emotional influence.
    Acknowledge feelings even when you don’t agree.

  5. Compromise without keeping score.
    Healthy compromise balances out over time when love leads.

The Gift of Shared Power

When both partners can influence each other:

  • Respect deepens

  • Defensiveness softens

  • Emotional intimacy grows

Partnership isn’t about winning — it’s about staying connected.

Episode Recap

Letting your partner influence you means staying open — listening, validating, and collaborating.
It’s remembering that you’re on the same team.

Mutual influence builds trust, harmony, and emotional intimacy — hallmarks of a thriving midlife marriage.

This week, try pausing before making a decision and asking for your partner’s input first. Notice how it changes the energy between you.

Reflection Questions

Take time this week to journal or reflect on these questions:

  1. How open am I to my partner’s perspective, even when I disagree?

  2. When was the last time I truly asked for my spouse’s input before deciding something?

  3. What fears or beliefs make it hard for me to share control?

  4. How might curiosity change our next disagreement?

  5. What would shared power look like in our relationship?

Resources & Support

If you’d like help strengthening respect, communication, and connection in your marriage:

Coming Up Next

Principle #5: Solve Your Solvable Problems
How to approach conflict in ways that bring you closer instead of pushing you apart.

Until then, I send my love and encouragement for creating a marriage and relationship that brings you joy, comfort, and peace.
Thank you for listening, and have a beautiful day.

Don't forget to listen, rate and share!