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Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away

 

Episode #14

Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work – Principle #3

Every day, your partner reaches for you in small, almost invisible ways — a sigh at the end of the day, a passing comment, a quiet “You won’t believe what happened today.”
These tiny moments are the heartbeat of your marriage. Love either deepens in them, or slowly drifts.

In this episode, Lisa Kneller explores Gottman’s third principle, Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away, and why these everyday bids for connection matter more than we often realize — especially in midlife, when emotional bandwidth is stretched thin.

Turning toward doesn’t require grand gestures.
It’s about presence, attention, and the choice to respond.

What You’ll Learn

  • What a bid for connection is — and why it’s easy to miss

  • The dramatic difference between couples who turn toward vs. turn away

  • How midlife responsibilities affect connection — even when the love is strong

  • Why repeated missed moments gently build distance

  • Simple ways to rebuild connection without overhauling your entire relationship

The Heart of Turning Toward

According to Dr. Gottman, turning toward simply means responding to your partner’s emotional bids — the small invitations to connect that show up in daily life.

Strong marriages turn toward each other about 86% of the time.
Struggling marriages hover closer to 33%.

Not because couples stop loving each other —
but because life gets loud, and attention becomes fractured.

Turning toward is how you quietly say:
I see you. You matter. I’m here.

5 Ways to Practice Turning Toward This Week

  1. Notice the small moments.
    Train your awareness — connection lives in the in-between spaces.

  2. Soften your attention.
    Put the phone down, make eye contact, pause briefly — presence speaks loudly.

  3. Respond even if you can’t engage fully.
    “I can’t talk right now, but I really want to hear this later.”

  4. Create gentle rituals of connection.
    A morning hug, a goodbye kiss, a nightly check-in — small, powerful anchors.

  5. Repair missed bids quickly.
    “I’m sorry — I wasn’t really listening earlier. Can you tell me again?”
    That repair builds trust faster than perfection ever could.

When couples turn toward consistently, they build what Gottman calls an emotional bank account — deposits of warmth, attention, and responsiveness that make conflict safer and connection sturdier.

Reflection Questions

Choose one to journal on, or talk about with your partner:

  • What small bids for connection do I tend to overlook?

  • How do I usually respond when my partner reaches out?

  • What could turning toward look like in our everyday routine?

  • Where could curiosity replace distraction?

  • What simple ritual of connection would I like to reintroduce this week?

Resources & Support

Strengthen your marriage with tools that help you reconnect with intention:

Coming Up Next

Principle #4 — Letting Your Partner Influence You
Why collaboration — not control — creates partnership, trust, and harmony.

Until then, I send my love and encouragement for creating a marriage and relationship that brings you joy, comfort, and peace.
Thanks for listening, and have a beautiful day.