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Why Marriages Really Fail (and the Silent Destroyers to Watch For) Gottman Intro

Midlife Marriage Mastery — Episode: Why Marriages Really Fail (and the Four Silent Destroyers To Watch For) Gottman Intro

The myths, the truth, and the patterns that predict divorce with 90% accuracy

Episode Summary

What if marriage wasn’t designed to make us happy—but to make us grow?
What if lasting love isn’t something we stumble into, but something we co-create?

In this powerful episode, Lisa opens a brand-new series based on Dr. John Gottman’s groundbreaking book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Before diving into the principles, she explores the real reasons marriages stop working—and why the stories we’re taught about love often set us up for disappointment and disconnect.

You’ll learn the biggest myths about marriage, the four communication patterns scientifically proven to predict divorce, and the hopeful truth: these patterns are learned behaviors, which means they can be unlearned.

This episode is honest, eye-opening, and deeply encouraging for any woman in midlife who wants to revive connection, rebuild trust, and reimagine what her marriage can become.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

💡 The real purpose of marriage

Marriage isn’t just companionship—it’s a journey of shared meaning, built on values, dreams, humor, and purpose. In the early years, this comes naturally… but without awareness, that meaning can fade into logistics and routine.

🎭 The cultural myths that sabotage real relationships

Lisa breaks down five common myths that harm marriages, including:

  • “Love is enough.”

  • “Good marriages don’t have conflict.”

  • “Affairs are the #1 cause of divorce.”

  • “People just grow apart.”

  • “If I married the right person, it should be easy.”

She explains why these beliefs create unrealistic expectations and how shifting them opens the door to deeper intimacy.

🐎 The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Gottman’s most famous discovery—and the communication patterns that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy:

  1. Criticism

  2. Contempt

  3. Defensiveness

  4. Stonewalling

You'll hear how each one shows up, why they are so damaging, and—most importantly—the antidotes that lead to repair, connection, and emotional safety.

🌱 Hope beyond the Horsemen

Healthy couples still experience the Horsemen—they just catch them earlier and repair quickly. Lisa shares how simple repair attempts can reset the nervous system, restore trust, and rebuild connection.

Key Quotes From This Episode

  • “Love is a feeling, but marriage is a practice.”

  • “We don’t grow apart by accident—we drift when we stop turning toward each other.”

  • “Real intimacy is forged in everyday moments, not Hollywood moments.”

  • “Love isn’t the absence of difficulty; it’s the presence of repair.”

Reflection Questions

Use these to deepen your awareness or spark a conversation with your partner:

  1. Which marriage myths do I still subconsciously believe?

  2. Do I recognize the Four Horsemen in my relationship?

  3. Which antidote—gentle start-up, appreciation, humility, or self-soothing—do I need most right now?

  4. What shared meaning do we already have, and what do we want to create in the next season of life?

  5. Where am I longing for more connection, and what small step could I take this week to create it?

Try This This Week

Choose one simple practice:

  • Offer one genuine appreciation each day.

  • Replace criticism with a gentle start-up.

  • Pause when you feel defensive and take 5% responsibility.

  • If you shut down easily, practice self-soothing before re-engaging.

  • Initiate one meaningful conversation about what shared meaning looks like now in midlife.

Small shifts create big changes over time.

Resources Mentioned

✔ Midlife Marriage Check-In (Free Tool)

Identify your relationship’s emotional, mental, and connection “pulse”—and where growth is needed.
👉 https://www.lisaknellercoaching.com/check-in 

✔ Marriage Empowerment Series

A beautiful email series that guides you toward restoring intimacy, communication, and emotional closeness.
👉 https://www.lisaknellercoaching.com/marriage-empowerment 

✔ Book a Free Discovery Call

If you’re ready to reconnect and rebuild your marriage with clarity and support, schedule a complimentary session:
👉 https://calendly.com/lisaknellercoaching/discovery-call 

CTA (Call to Action)

If this episode opened your eyes or touched your heart, that’s a sign of awareness—and awareness is the first step to transformation.
Don’t miss the next episode in this series:
Principle #1 — Enhancing Your Love Maps: How to Know Your Partner Deeply in Midlife and Beyond.

Share this episode with a friend, leave a review, or message Lisa on Instagram @lisaknellercoaching to continue the conversation.

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